The Contagion of Empathy

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You See Me

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Ego Definition

Some suggest that if we let go of our ego, we no longer have a need for validation. Is this possible even if we could let go completely of our egos? The ego serves some sort of purpose. One such purpose is an awareness of our individuality, that is self-esteem. We base popular criticism of the ego on the idea of complete absorption in one’s own interests and feelings. Like most things, we should strive for a balance, not letting go of the ego in all circumstances.

Low Self-Esteem

There are already too many people with low self-esteem, to which all the confidence building courses and personal development gurus can attest. Hopefully, extreme cases of ego gone crazy are in the minority. Recent history has shown that the infamous ego-driven megalomaniacs such as Hitler often come to a sticky end. Extreme cases aside, we have in the general population a higher egotism than desirable. We get this in government institutions where various agendas are strictly for the individual’s advancement and unbridled ambition. The proliferation of self-promotion on social media also feeds egos that are out of control. Whether it is possible to reduce egotism in the general population by simply teaching or preaching how to let go of the ego is hard to imagine.

Positive

The positive thing would be to show why we should not focus our feelings and activities entirely on self-promotion. All religions preach this. The individual accepts this or not. There are those of us who think that caring for others is weak and undesirable. I would suggest that they study the lives of prominent egotists and see for themselves how happy or content they are.

Validation

As to letting go of the need for validation in the process of letting go of the ego, the two are hardly compatible. I see someone who needs no validation as an egotist. If we need no validation, it suggests that we will do as we please, regardless of any consideration of others’ opinions or needs.

Humility

A constant need for validation, on the other hand, can suggest a lack of confidence and low self-esteem. Poor self-esteem can be a sign of an underdeveloped ego. So, when we let go of ego, it does not have to mean that we no longer need to be validated. I can focus less on myself, letting go of my ego, and still seek your opinion or validation. This is what I think humility is all about, rather than an obsequious attitude, which more often than not reeks of insincerity.

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Greeting

Masks were used to control slaves. I suspect this allowed the owner to feel better about ‘ownership of another human being. The masks rendered the slave anonymous. An even more outrageous practice overcame the dissonance created by the unnatural ownership. This was the forceful wearing of the iron muzzle. Masks and uniforms can also have another effect on the wearer.

Aggression and Responsibility

The mask creates a reduction in responsibility. Daniel Natal reveals this in his presentation, ‘The Mask and Empathy’. He explains that an experiment conducted by Stanford Prison concluded that wearing a uniform changed the behaviour of participants. They became more aggressive. Does that mean American police should not be wearing uniforms? Of course, the American policing problem is more complex than to wear or not to wear a uniform. However, the mask may explain the particular brand of vicious that the Ku KLUX Klan practiced. Also interesting are the many uniformed groups in the recent storming of the US State Capitol. The anonymity gave them the aggression they needed, but must also have made it much easier for investigators to track them.

Children Read Faces

In a previous article, I applauded the ability we have to show empathy to a stranger by the simple greeting, ‘Sawubona’. This translates from isiZulu as, ‘I see you’. In the gradual movement of people towards each other due to progress, migration and globalization, we have lost this ability. The physical visual ability to see the other is more vital than ever before. The restrictions imposed by the pandemic of Covid-19 make this so. Now more than ever, we should make greater effort to see the person behind the mask – literally and figuratively. Some suggest that wearing that very necessary mask for health preservation retards our ability to do that.History and Slavery.

It makes sense that children need to read faces to develop empathy, as shown in much early childhood development experiments. It is little wonder we have more bullying at school and more mass shootings by young people. Technology is the new parent. The bullying at school may have more to do with how much face-time children get from parents versus screen-time. My friend Jean sent me the Daniel Natal video. She reminded me that South Africa’s latest headline news about bullying at school ended in suicide. I shudder to think how much more a lack of empathy will manifest in the generation of children raised behind masks.

Autism and Empathy

A phrase in the Daniel Natal video caught my attention: children are becoming technologically autistic. This can explain much of their social behaviour. The isolation and masking during Covid pandemic only makes things worse. It could help to restrict access to cell phones for younger children. They seem to be obsessed with selfies and self-promotion on various platforms. Their focus always on me, me, me!! How could children ever see the other when the total absorption in themselves blinds them to everything else.

Banal?

Is empathy banal, as suggested by Namwali Serpell, a Harvard professor? An important new and compulsory subject to be taught at all levels at school should be, ‘How to Develop Empathy’. The purpose? To counteract the tech autism created by exposure to too much technology. The question is, will parents take note and keep up with the schools? Or will the view of ‘The Banality of Empathy’ as described by Namwali Serpell prevail? Are we to resign ourselves to a further increase in sociopathic behaviour because we see empathy as feeble? When we dismiss empathy as banal, are we saying it is irrelevant? I appreciate the sentiment that we can become numb to the suffering of others when we do nothing about it.

Know Thyself

Shakespeare’s Hamlet advises, ‘To thine ownself be true’. Do I not learn how to understand myself better when I realise how something makes me feel? Is this not being true to myself? How does my exposure to mind-numbing and emotion manipulating technology affect my ability to empathise? Is the empathy I felt when I read a story, watch a movie really trite and not relevant, perhaps? When I cannot admit to empathising with my negative side, am I dishonest? And should I go through life ignoring how I empathise because too often I do nothing with it?

Positive Empathy

A positive view is that monitoring what children see and controlling screen time is vital for the child’s healthy development. The ability to develop that ‘I see You’ quality must surely ensure a more stable and more productive society. It is a basic ingredient for good social relations and connection to others. If we are becoming autistic, a reality is that whatever the shade of our empathy, it exists in all its banality. What is important is what we do with empathy – do we make it work positively for us or not?

Negative Empathy and Action

Is the view that empathy is banal when we do not act on it, suggesting that acting on my negative empathy is okay? If, for some sociopathic reason, I empathise with villainous action in a movie, should I go out and kill, perhaps? Should I bully someone to validate my empathy? I doubt the writer intended to convey that. However, calling out inaction by saying empathy is banal, just so we take action, may trivialise the importance of making a distinction. This is how we also validate poor decisions. The ability to control emotion without losing passion is more pertinent. This is a subject for another day.

Lynda Rogle https://lyndaroglebooks.com

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Focus

A welcome silence forces me to listen better and focus on what matters in my immediate circumstances. It helps me to avoid procrastination when I pretend to be very busy with technology for work, research or entertainment. There is also a more negative in contrast to the welcome relief from noise.

Technology

Silence may seem welcome when technology-driven attention seeking social media constantly deafens us. The trick is how to manage the noise level in this time of regular lockdowns and self incarceration. The temptation to turn to the television or the computer for distraction can damage for many reasons.

Image by Jackson Simmer on Unsplash

A deafening Silence

A re-make of the old Simon song, ‘The Sound of Silence’ by the rock band called ‘Disturbed’ perfectly describes a deafening silence. It is the best version of that old favourite that I’ve heard so far. The remarkable lyrics of Paul Simon conjured many images, and the ‘Disturbed’ presentation brought them to life in an electrifying and dramatic style: It reminded me of the masked protestors walking in silence against abuse; the silence forced onto the abused, the silence of those who sacrifice justice for expedience; the silence of a world that refuses to see the famine caused by greed. The song’s image of furtive, silent, forbidden messages of graffiti on subway walls crying out for attention is haunting and deafening. And the silent worship of technology by some of us, to the detriment of personal contact, is daunting.

Tinnitus

I can relate to the deafening sound of silence as someone with the condition of Tinnitus. A hearing impairment that comes with a constant cacophony in my head, with little relief and becoming worse at night when all else is silent! Tinnitus is an apt manifestation and excellent description of the ‘deafening sound of silence’. I find the line in the Simon lyrics … silence like a cancer grows… especially relatable. The cancer of silence in human society is the hardest thing to change. We are silent when we fear repercussion, when we are culpable, when we hope silence will make things better, when silence buys immunity and when silence profits us personally. This is silence at its most deafening; screaming, desperate for some noise.

Golden

The cliche ‘silence is golden’ could only have come from someone with advantage or profit in mind. Sometimes silence can gild a difficult situation that could become unmanageable or dangerous. I would not advocate goading someone holding a gun to the head. Silence is the ‘better part of valour’ also when direct harm to ourselves or others results from speaking. Silence is better in the face of genuine stupidity – one cannot change the mind of someone incapable of seeing the obvious.

Absence of Life

Image by Joe Mcdaniel on Unsplash

If ever there was life on planet Mars, it now must remind us we can avert the silence of a lifeless planet. There is hope if we on planet earth speak up and act against our own silence in the face of environmental destruction. A destruction brought on by the convenience of remaining silent about our own behaviour, because of short-term benefits.

There are many silences and before the cancer of silence kills us, we should stand up and shout it out from the hilltops in our loudest voice – SAVE OUR PLANET!! and also to ourselves in our own heads, drowning out the sound of our deafening TINNITUS – time to change or forcibly become changed in ways over which we have no control!

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My first encounter with this term was in the book ‘People of the Lie’ by Scott Peck. The definition of cognitive dissonance is holding conflicting positions or beliefs which create discomfort, hence we are people of the lie. If we become comfortable with our lie, it means we have changed to ease the discomfort or dissonance created by our dual position.

To my mind, this is a very common human behaviour. We adjust when we tell ourselves the truth would have served no good purpose, or it was just a white lie. To assuage our guilt or dissonance, we have to adjust our position. When we see little value or reward in the lie itself, we feel greater discomfit. They have shown the reward change in an experiment in 1959, by Festinger and Carlsmith. (ref: McCleod,S A 2018, Feb 05 Cognitive Dissonance, Simply Psychology.) They concluded that we need incentive to lie to ourselves, and that incentive is a reward. Festinger is the one who first used the term cognitive dissonance in the 1950s. We are much more comfortable with a lie if it is worth it. So, my reward for using and enjoying technology when I disagree with the damage caused to the environment is – convenience. Conflicting positions will create difficulty and I could ease my discomfort with resolution, usually by changing a position, or justifying it.

Our current viral pandemic of COVID-19 triggered my preoccupation with the subject of dissonance. How do I accept and enjoy the convenience of modern medicine, transport, retail, manufacture, energy, industry, entertainment and technology while I decry the damage to the planet that comes with all of this? In a previous article posted before the pandemic, I take the position of embracing technology because it is inevitable. I now see this was one way to ease my dissonance. One could have a passionate and even sincere belief in progress without a concern for the environment. My discomfort does not allow me to ignore my dual position on the matter.

The solution may be to live with the discomfort or change position completely; live without this computer that I use to write and my cellphone for communication or television for entertainment. Possible? Yes, this is possible because I can remember a time when none of these existed, but can we turn the clock back? Individuals could, but the planet needs a more global solution.

I also sincerely believe progress is an inevitable outcome of innovation, necessity, and creativity. The problem is, what flows naturally from our needs and creativity has been hi-jacked by human greed. Does every person need a cellphone and does every household need more than one computer or television? How much do we need all the high-tech gadgets for entertainment? A regular mantra we hear from tech business is: upgrade, upgrade! Why are products not made to last longer? The answer is always profit. Competition, profit and an insatiable appetite for more and more and faster and faster seem unending.

The modern driving force behind most inventions up to now has been a necessity, but profit has become a more dominant feature. Hopefully, the current world situation of the Corona virus may just change the profit factor to one that is more balanced. Anyone who sees the serious environmental reality for what it is, disastrous, would welcome a change that favours survival rather than profit. However, COVID-19 pandemic lock down and isolation leave us with little hope that the use of technology will decrease. We need technology now more than ever before to protect the health of the world’s populations.

Here is the paradox though, the very technology that is used to survive a pandemic, has the highest carbon footprint there is. The toxic chemicals used in the manufacture of the microchips found in tech products globally, generates a $20 billion dollar industry. So little hope there of things changing soon. To resolve my dilemma of believing in progress while also sincerely hating the damage to the planet, I face an impossible task. I have to get that balance the psychologists recommend reducing the stress this brings. If every technology user on the planet attempted to use less, more effectively, it may help. This could reduce production and reduce disposal of toxic bi-products in the manufacturing processes.

The more I learn about how toxic tech products components are, the higher my stress levels. My latest source of dissonance revolves around the news that Ruwanda is set to become Africa’s silicon valley. This article by Nicky Verd is most welcome by most people on social media. They will develop this project as an environmentally friendly one. My first reaction was, ‘Really? Green Silicon Valley?‘ The very idea boggles my mind! The pollution to ground, air and water generated in America’s Silicon Valley, has persisted for over forty years. So, how on God’s good earth can Ruwanda produce a green silicon valley? What am I missing here? The question may be, what levels of pollution determine ‘environmentally friendly’? What adds to my discomfort is my use of the technology developed by these companies, while I have no solution to the pollution they produce.

During the world’s lock down across the globe, nature has rebounded, and it gave us a rare opportunity to stop and rethink our relationship with the environment. Will we dare to make changes and use technology in a way that protects the planet, to reduce the stress of my cognitive dissonance? Is it possible to find that necessary balance? I have always believed that Africa, with its ancient and unique affinity with the environment, can show the world how to live in harmony with nature without compromise.

Africa can show us how to balance man’s needs with protecting the earth, instead of indulging our greed by raping the planet!

Will Africa rise to become the solution, not the problem?

The End!

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Nobody lives ‘in the moment’ as children do. There is no future or past when they ‘live’ in the moment’. They do it so well that we could learn a thing or two from them. They often meet adult intervention with fierce resistance. Adults enforce the discipline needed to adapt from the ‘in the moment’ experience to the harsh reality shaped by the adult concept of time: a time to play and a time to work, a time to listen and a time to speak and a time to plan and a time to act. The necessary but unhappy growth from living ‘in the moment’ to keeping to a daily schedule is sometimes the reason adults forget how to live in the moment.

The trick would be to keep that childlike ability while adapting to the demands of living for the future, when we go to work or when we re-visit the past as we reminisce or take lessons from history to live a better future. How to do this is the difficulty; to live every moment intensely while keeping an eye out for the daily reality of planning for the future and building a sustainable lifestyle. Adults must re-learn this ability to live intensely in the moment. Developing an ability to focus attention and eliminate distractions can help one do this.

Multi-tasking is all very well but also taxing on the brain if we believe health experts. People who are excellent multi-taskers have given in to modern pressures to achieve at any cost, usually at the cost of personal health. That difficulty ceases if we do what we enjoy in order to enjoy what we do. When you find that what you enjoy clashes with what you are doing its time to re-assess the situation, to see if you are living to your full potential – trying to please two masters ends with pleasing neither.

We expect most mothers to enjoy mothering and child care, but no one said you couldn’t share the load and take time out for yourself to smell the roses. Previous generations saw the extended family helping with child care and getting back to the old ways, may make for happier family-life with fewer parents and children needing therapy to improve relationships. Living in the moment is important to all relationships, even as it may sometimes seem to be self-absorbed. If the great inventors hadn’t done just that, there’d be fewer achievements today. They focused on the project and persevered. Find your passion may have become a cliched phrase but is true none-the-less. We must truly appreciate the moment, as time is really all we have.

This has become of particular interest in this time of COVID-19 pandemic. Our shrinking reality during lockdown measures has re-focused our perception of time and forced us to look at how to make changes that preserve our sanity, as one day merges into another and it blurs time as we lose track. This is definitely not the same as living intensely in the moment where we also lose track of time. Creatives understand the importance of living in the moment while losing track of time. Perhaps we should attempt to develop our creative side more.

A challenge to all finding the pandemic restrictions trying is to find fresh ways to live in the moment and appreciate all the time we have left. Creative ways to make the changes needed when we finally get back to a semblance of normality, is another way we can pass the time of enforced slowdown. An alternative way of living is vital for our own survival on the planet because up to now we have not lived our lives for the benefit of all creation.  The time has arrived to get creative and live in the moment with intense awareness of how to live sustainably for all who inhabit the earth.

The End!

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Corona Virus has brought into stark contrast the reality of life on our planet and the illusion we have that we are in charge. It appears we are not in control of the planet, our environment or the universe.  What we can control is ourselves: our behaviour, thinking and our attitude toward the planet. The origins of our own self-deception dates back to our primitive survival instincts.

Back then the environment challenged our ancestors’ ability to overcome invasions, pestilence, disease and starvation. Man is a resilient species and probably will survive future challenges. The problem is, in our effort to control, conquer and progress, we forget that we are not in charge. We have deceived ourselves into thinking that we can do anything with little or no accountability. We have to change our thinking if we hope to overcome the setbacks created by our own delusion.

Depicted in the visual of a boot on the neck of George Floyd cutting off the life-giving oxygen needed to breathe. Is Covid putting the boot to humanity’s neck, cutting off our supply of oxygen to get our attention? What of the visuals of overcrowded hospitals running out of oxygen for COVID-19 patients. Or the sea-life dying from pollution and unable to produce the very oxygen humanity needs to breathe! The visual of the depleted rain-forests cut down for our needs, no longer supplying oxygen to the very hand wielding the axe.

It strikes me as strange that we cannot do simple maths to work this out? Are we bent on mindless destruction for the sake of destroying?  What will it take to learn this most vital lesson, that we are the greatest threat to our future and that we have to learn to live with viruses? It all depends on the level of our concern and respect for all life on the planet.

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Although it may seem a stretch to compare kindness to charity since kindness is of itself a separate thing, there is a notion that to give someone ‘the benefit of the doubt’ is to be kind. It is a condescending notion yet, sometimes we have to assess a situation for the best outcome. Along with common sense, discernment, and experience, we give someone the benefit of the doubt. Put another way, be charitable by suspending possible judgmental view, criticism, or skepticism. To do so is what I consider the warmer side of charity, as warm as the sun-kissed desert sands, unlike the blast of icy freezing charity described in my first article.

To suspend judgment requires confidence in our powers of discernment, our empathy or emotional intelligence.  It also needs a rejection of any negativity affecting the decision. The onus is not on the receiver of our charity to effect a positive outcome.  It is up to us to accept whatever the outcome we stand by our decision to think positively in the situation. This requires trust in our abilities and trust in the powers of positivity, regardless of disappointment.  When we think if something can go right it will, rather than that if something can go wrong it will, as suggested in ‘Murphy’s Law’.

Attitude plays a powerful role in the decisions we make. If a child or learner is to produce the best results from our teaching, the teacher’s positive attitude makes all the difference. There are countless adults that come through the education systems who can testify to the difference a positive teacher made. An important quality we need is also the ability to see the good potential in people and to assist others. Anyone who has difficulty achieving their potential for good can have this made easier drastically with a little help. Taking the time to care for other’s needs, be they material or psychological, is also charitable. That ‘I see you’ ability is crucial. We need to learn to give the best of our abilities rather than the least.

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When we are guided by collective unconscious goodwill, we do not allow a latent cynicism to hi-jack our good intentions. Then we would not tolerate the atrocities committed in the war for protecting civilian populations and in our name. We would call it what it is–depravity! When you put a weapon into the hands of young people and train them to be killing machines, that is what they become.

Then you re-introduce them into civil society and expect them to stop? The number of people exposed as military-trained in the storming of the American capitol makes the point. Evil leaders throughout history have been people who knew exactly how to manipulate people’s emotions, perceptions, and weaknesses. The only defence against this is to know how I connect in myself to the various parts of myself. Also, why those parts connect the way they do. In short, know thyself! Do not resist questioning why you do the things you do. Knowing when you are being manipulated for someone else’s agenda is vital. Unless you are aware of it, you cannot resist or make an informed decision about it. This all depends on how much you want to have peace and goodwill to all on earth!

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Connection

Often our emotions shape how we connect to people, situations, and the world, including the environment. How we feel will always trump what we think. I have often heard that my reality is not your reality, or walk in his shoes first before you judge another. So where does that leave us, whose reality is it? Is there a separate reality? The physical reality of strictly touch, taste, see, feel and smell only? Not likely, since they are all connected to us. How I touch, taste, see, feel, and smell is unique to every individual. These nuanced differences between my perception and your perception also influence the way we think.

Respect

Respecting my perception, even if it differs from yours, is what we do when we try to understand another’s position. It also helps to set boundaries. We need to take our cue from nature. Without boundaries, the sky could fall in and the sea cover the earth or the planet spin off its axis into space. What then of the sceptics who contend that the person who sees both sides to a story in effect sees nothing? Is this blindness? My contention is that this is where wisdom begins. How much we will meet another halfway depends on many things. Character, temperament, ambition, fear, insecurity and often pride are just a few. It would not be necessary for religions, spiritualists, medical and mental wellness gurus, to invoke us to have goodwill to all, if this were not something we find very difficult to do.

Sad Reality

A sad reality is we are still becoming. We have a long way to go before we can exist without wars, private battles and even personal disagreements. We can agree to disagree politely. However, our sophisticated veneer of being civilised is just that, a veneer. Scratch the surface and our survival instinct kicks in, not that we should stop the struggle to become better people. Better than the worst we can be. A low bar, but a start towards the best we can be. This low bar may seem like a negative thing, but I believe with each new generation we will do better. We will see the futility of constant discord for the sake of ego. Barring mental illness, we should develop much better than we have.

Civilization

The simple truth is we developed rules and regulations as we advanced from primitive to civilized life style. This happened because we knew we can lapse into destructive behaviour. How then do we sustain peaceful co-existence with our species and all life on the planet? I think the first step towards peace and goodwill is for each person to consider humanity’s collective unconscious. What informs it, and how does it operate? Tall order? Isn’t that what ‘peace and goodwill towards all‘ really means? Not when it suits me, a situation, a political purpose or a selfish survivalist agenda. Only that we have a collective unconscious goodwill. It should be what guides our every thought, intention and action towards everyone and all that we do. Notwithstanding disappointment in other’s behaviour towards us, we should only retaliate in self-defense against incidents that threaten our safety or survival.

 War

When we are guided by collective unconscious goodwill, we do not allow a latent cynicism to hi-jack our good intentions. Then we would not tolerate the atrocities committed in the war for the protection of civilian populations and in our name. We would call it what it is – depravity! When you put a weapon into the hands of young people and train them to be killing machines, that is what they become. Then you re-introduce them into civil society and expect them to stop? The number of people exposed as military-trained in the storming of the American capitol makes the point. Evil leaders throughout history have been people who knew exactly how to manipulate people’s emotions, perceptions, and weaknesses. The only defence against this is to know how I connect in myself to the various parts of me. Also, why those parts connect the way they do. In short, know thyself! Do not resist questioning why you do the things you do. Knowing when you are being manipulated for someone else’s agenda is vital. Unless you are aware of it, you cannot resist or make an informed decision about it. This all depends on how much you want to have peace and goodwill to all on earth!

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